bored luddites

Hello!
I am a computer. I have a disease called the Intenet.
But if you can stretch your imagination beyond the words and the screen and the incomprehensible tangle of wires or beams or satellites that are connecting us in internet land, then feel comforted, because i am, in a sense, a diminutive 22 year old Australian traveling luddite, completely, 100% Homo Sapiens Sapiens.
We started out great, me and computers.
It started when my sister babysat me when she was at uni in Broome. It was the greatest time of my young life, my first experience of exploring anything other than marshland and boab trees.
I don't think it was that hard for her either. Money in tha' bank.
She at least exerted herself enough to say, "There are computers upstairs, and they have the internet!"
"What is the internet?" i says.
"Well, you can type in anything you want and it will tell you all about it"
"Anything?"
"Anything".
So, onto Alta vista I went and by the time i had learned everything there was to know about Pennywise and the Offspring, it was time for my parents to pick me up, back to a world of cricket, mud wars and public swimming pools.
Since then i have become increasingly jaded with these machines. They are smarter, smaller and more numerous than me and all they have really given is 24 hours of piteous high school embarrassment after revealing the secrets of my first pornographic excursions to my parents. I never really forgave the computer, even with their glitzy celebrity associations with Kraftwerk.
I know there is shit loads to do on computers, but for some reason it never provides me with the fun i need at the time. I am left staring at the screen going numb.
So this is my final attempt to conquer them before they conquer me.
It is also an outreach to all the bored/stoned/lazy wasters out there who desperately need something to take up a little patch of time without too much effort.
"I love you like a fat kid loves cake" 50 cent, owner of Nutrient Water (yep!).